When Family Undermines Your Parenting (The Islamic Way)
When family undermines your parenting, how do you respond without guilt or anger?
For many Muslim moms, this challenge feels heavier than the sleepless nights and tantrums combined. You’re trying to raise your children with love, limits, and deen, yet relatives step in with unIslamic advice, spoiling, or even direct contradictions.
Parenting is already an amanah (trust) from Allah, and when interference creeps in, it can shake your confidence. But Islam gives us guidance on how to navigate these situations with patience, mercy, and balance.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.” (Bukhari 893, Muslim 1829)
This hadith is a reminder: Allah chose you for your children — not your relatives, not your neighbours, not even your well-meaning elders.
Let’s walk through Islamic principles, practical strategies, and soul-soothing reminders to help you handle family interference without guilt.
Your Role as a Parent: A Trust From Allah
Allah ﷻ says:
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones…” (At-Tahreem 66:6).
Parenting isn’t just about feeding and clothing our kids — it’s about safeguarding their iman. That is why scholars such as Ibn al-Qayyim (رحمه الله) warned that most corruption in children begins with parental neglect. If you allow others to derail your parenting, you risk losing sight of this responsibility.
👉 Your parenting choices are not about pleasing others — they are about fulfilling your amanah before Allah.
When Family Undermines Your Parenting: Common Scenarios
Overruling your discipline — A relative tells your child “It’s okay” after you set a limit.
Excessive spoiling — Gifts, treats, or screen time that contradict your rules.
Criticising your choices — Comments like “You’re too strict” or “We raised you differently.”
Disregarding Islamic values — Encouraging music, gossip, or immodest behaviour around your children.
Each scenario tests your patience. Yet each is also an opportunity to embody mercy, clarity, and firmness.
Rights of Children: Why You Must Stay Firm
Children have undeniable rights over their parents:
A righteous environment — parents must protect their faith and guide them.
A good upbringing — shaping character and iman.
Provision and care — without negligence or extravagance.
Failing to fulfil these rights leads to consequences, not just in behaviour but also in the Hereafter. Ibn al-Qayyim warned:
“Most children’s deviance is because of their parents’ neglect and failure to teach them the obligatory religious duties and the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ…”
This means you cannot hand over the steering wheel of your child’s tarbiyah to relatives — however close they may be.
Balancing Respect and Boundaries
Islam teaches us to honour relatives and elders, but never at the cost of disobedience to Allah.
Allah says:
“But if they strive to make you associate with Me… do not obey them, but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness…” (Luqmaan 31:15).
👉 The principle is clear: respect without obedience in harm.
So, when family undermines your parenting, you are allowed — and even required — to decline with gentleness.
Practical Islamic Strategies to Handle Undermining Family
1. Speak With Calm Clarity
Use soft words, but remain firm:
“I appreciate your love for my kids, but we’ve chosen to raise them this way.”
2. Uphold Ties of Kinship
The Prophet ﷺ encouraged maintaining ties even when relatives harm you. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said: O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me. He said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” Narrated by Muslim (2558).
This means your patience earns divine support, even if they don’t change.
3. Limit Harm Wisely
Keep visits short if they become toxic.
Avoid heated debates — silence can be more powerful than argument.
Create healthy space while still maintaining kindness.
4. Distance When Necessary
‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (رضي الله عنه) advised relatives to visit one another but not live too close, as constant friction can cause fitnah.
5. Guard Your Children’s Environment
Even if relatives disagree, shield your kids from harmful influences. Choose gatherings and settings carefully.
6. Make Dua Frequently
Ask Allah to soften hearts and guide your family. Remember, hearts are in His Hands, not yours.
When to Stay Silent, When to Speak Up
Not every battle must be fought. Sometimes silence is better, especially if speaking worsens the conflict. Other times, silence signals acceptance — so choose wisely.
💡 Ask yourself: Will my silence protect my child’s iman, or expose them to harm? If it protects, stay quiet. If it harms, speak with patience and clarity.
Evidence-Based Wisdom: Why Boundaries Matter
Studies in family psychology show that undermining parenting can:
Increase children’s behavioural problems.
Confuse children about rules and authority.
Lead to long-term resentment between parents and relatives.
This aligns with Islamic wisdom. When rules are inconsistent, children lose respect for boundaries, and ultimately for parents themselves. Consistency builds trust.
A Gentle Reminder for Moms
When family undermines your parenting, it hurts — but don’t let it steal your calm. Remember:
You are not failing by setting boundaries.
You are not being unkind by protecting your children.
You are not sinful for disagreeing with relatives when their choices go against the deen.
Your children will remember how you carried yourself with dignity, patience, and mercy.
Conclusion: Anchor Yourself in Allah
At the end of the day, family interference is another test of patience. Your role is to protect your children’s deen, stay merciful with relatives, and trust Allah to fill the gaps you cannot.
Make this dua often:
“Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous.” (Al-Furqan 25:74)
And remind yourself: You are not alone, sister. Allah sees your effort.
Further Support for Muslim Moms
If you feel overwhelmed or disconnected, explore my soul-soothing audio course here: From Overwhelmed to Empowered: A Muslim Mom’s Calm & Confidence Journey. 🎧
And visit Fectiv Online for more gentle, Islamic parenting resources.
